By Dan Savage
Lamar Alexander: “We need to restore dignity to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, so our schoolkids can tour the Oval Office without snickering.”
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Considering the importance of dignity to Republican candidates and voters, one would expect the Iowa Straw Poll to begin on a dignified note. Yet, immediately after the national anthem was sung (all 68 verses) and a Christian prayer intoned, the official program began with a dozen over-made-up women in low-cut black halter tops and stretch pants running up onto the stage shaking lime green pom-poms. Boom, boom, boom, “Are you ready for this?” Boom, boom, boom, “Are you ready for this?” went the music, as, with cameras and the crowd’s attention trained on them, the Iowa Straw Poll Dancers shook their tits and hair and pom-poms.
While my brother and I attended the Straw Poll in order to cast votes for Republican candidates, I should point out that neither of us is a Republican. I went to Iowa to mess things up for George W. Bush, voting for people who could do the front-runner some damage, and my brother came along for the ride. In early contests like the Iowa Straw Poll, single votes carry much more weight than single votes do in primaries or general elections–you’re one of thousands voting, not millions.
After roasting in the sun for a few hours, we strolled back to Dole’s tent for dessert–cookies and root beer floats!–and it was there we decided to break another law. Sandy, a perky young woman in a Dole T-shirt, asked if we were Iowa residents. With the keys to our Cedar Rapids hotel room in my pocket, I said yes. She offered us voting tickets, provided we would promise to vote for Dole. I asked Sandy what would stop us from taking a ticket from Dole but voting for, say, Bauer or Forbes. Sandy gave me the fish eye: “You can vote for anyone you want, but we hope you’ll be honest. People here are honest generally–this is Iowa, you know.”
The speeches, which didn’t begin until after most of us Iowans had voted, were something of an anticlimax. Everyone promised to restore dignity to the Oval Office, get tough with China, cut taxes, and increase defense spending. Steve Forbes was wooden, George W. Bush was strangely uninvolving (he is the Republican Al Gore), Alan Keyes was his usual psycho self, and Dan Quayle looked like he was going to burst into tears.
