By Ben Joravsky
He heard about Timber Lanes when a friend asked him to join a Sunday mixed league there. “The first time I walked in there was, I don’t know, 1984,” says Kuhn. It was love at first sight. Timber Lanes looked exactly the way he thought a neighborhood joint is supposed to look: dank, smoky, dark. Then as now, it’s one long room–bar in front, eight lanes in back–that reeks of cigarettes and booze and reverberates with the rock ‘n’ roll blaring from the jukebox and the big beery guys bellowing, bickering, and laying down bets. “I felt right at home,” says Kuhn.
All told, he says he’s got over 500 bowlers in 14 regular leagues. “I own the building, I own the business, I control my own destiny. You wanna use the space? Let’s talk. Over the years I’ve had every kind of party or fund-raiser you can imagine: bachelor parties, corporate parties, kiddie birthdays, fund-raisers for churches, schools, and cops. We had the nude bowlers. Next week we’ll have some guys in here filming a low-budget made-for-TV movie.”
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So they gave Kuhn their pitch. “They had done their homework–they knew who I was,” he recalls. “They said they wanted to do an event. I said, ‘A fund-raiser? How much money do you wanna raise?’ They said, ‘No, not really.’ I said, ‘You wanna talk privately? No problem.’ I took them to the back room where I do all my business, you know, where we keep the bowling balls. That’s when they told me–they wanna stage a play.
Unlike the play’s central character, Kuhn doesn’t feel threatened by bigger alleys. But the local real estate boom is a different story. He realizes that a developer looking to demolish the bowling alley and replace it with condos might make him an offer that’s too good to refuse.
They filled the school’s auditorium to show their appreciation with a “We Love Arnie” assembly.
