More than 60 years ago, in high school, my best friend was an athlete. I developed the habit of sniffing his sweaty gym clothing and/or his jockstraps, which sexually aroused me. The practice was very shameful, and not once in the many years since have I done anything similar. As my life nears its end, I want to have the opportunity to engage in this activity one more time. Is there an athlete anywhere from whom I might purchase appropriate pieces of clothing?
But wait! There’s more! If a fan wants to get even closer to Scott, he’s also selling–I hope no one’s reading this column over lunch–his Bodybuilder Butt Hairs. “After a major lifting session, [my ass has] a gamy, raunchy smell that you’d wish you could ruminate in all day….I’ll shave my sweetly scented crack hairs over a ziplock baggy. Afterwards, I’ll wipe my ass clean and throw in the shit-stained paper, sign it (the bag, not the paper), and ship it straight to you.” Oh, Holy Mary, Mother of Christ, pray for us sinners. At the end of his butt-hair pitch, Scott mentions that “offers like this don’t happen every day.” No, they don’t, Scott, and we can thank Mary’s intercession for that. A bag filled with Scott’s butt hairs will set you back $50.
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I skimmed through the chapters on sex in my copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves–not something I would recommend to anyone remotely interested in ever actually having sex–and couldn’t find a word about golden showers. In fact, the only listing in OBO’s index under “gold” was for noted sexpot Emma Goldman. There was also nothing about golden showers in The New Joy of Sex, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, or Dr. Ruth’s Sex for Dummies. By contrast, every gay sex manual in my library went on and on about golden showers. Considering that there are just as many hetero piss freaks out there as homo–according to Kevin, my research assistant, a bigwig in the piss-freak community–I find these omissions odd.
Do you have any advice for couples in long-term, monogamous relationships? I’m tired of all the perv, kink, bisexual dilemmas in your column. Can you find it in your heart to include–at least in one column–some advice for keeping sex interesting for people like us?
