Hey, Faggot:
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You’re in luck: The day your letter arrived, I was on my way to my dermatologist’s office to have a mole the size of Portland hacked off my leg. I gave my derma doc–Dr. Frank Behring–your letter, and while he was carving me up, here’s what he said: “Pimples, ‘big, crazy, sometimes painful pimples on the tush,’ can be a manifestation of acne.” But if you’ve got acne on your ass, you should have it in other locations, like “the more commonly anticipated areas, such as the face, neck, back, or chest, and it would be accompanied by such ‘companion’ lesions as whiteheads and blackheads. It would be unusual for acne to be limited to the butt, or to be present uniformly as big, painful pimples without other sizes and shapes represented as well.” Acne, it seems, values diversity. So unless you’re breaking out all over, them ain’t zits on your butt. What are they? “Deep folliculitis–boils, furuncles, skin abscesses, pustules–which are generally caused by bacterial infections that begin in a hair follicle. It is not clear why the buttocks are so vulnerable, but it often seems to be so. The likely causes are sweating, irritation, scratching, friction, poor hygiene, or poor health, but the problem can occur in the absence of any of these factors.”
What to do? “For starters, shower daily with an antibacterial soap. Pat dry with a clean towel. Avoid tight pants and tight synthetic undergarments. Avoid rubbing, and temporarily avoid activities that might induce sweating and frictional injury. In addition, I would consider a nightly application of an over-the-counter product containing benzoyl peroxide, like Oxy 10. One needs to wear an overgarment that will not be ruined by such products’ tendency to bleach out color. If this regimen fails to work after several weeks, a course of antibiotics may be indicated.” Good luck, pizza butt.
Hey, UH:
–Tree-Hugger Tim
“You see, there is no simple way of figuring this out,” said Dr. Brink. “And I assume the person is asking this for some sort of environmental reason. I don’t want to lend any weight to the specious argument that we shouldn’t manage our forests and use wood product,” he said before he hurried off the phone and back to the lab.
