Your column used to be full of questions from total freaks–people fucking their dogs, screwing their moms, or eating their poo–but now it’s all normal letters from normal people with normal problems. They ask boring questions, you give realistic (and therefore boring) advice, and while letter writers’ problems may be solved, your readers are not entertained! Where are all the creepy letters from freaky dog fuckers?
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Theory number one: There just aren’t as many people fucking dogs, screwing moms, or eating poo today as there were in the mid-90s. Americans are busier than ever, amassing wealth at the speed of thought, leaving busy pervs with little time to pursue their twisted pleasures. The people who would’ve been fucking dogs, screwing moms, and eating poo in ’94–and sending me letters about it–are simply too busy day trading, yapping on cell phones, and making bids on eBay to sit down and write me a letter.
Theory number two: When I addressed dog fucking, mom screwing, and poo eating in earlier columns, I came out strongly against all of these activities. Perhaps my unfriendly treatment of dog fuckers, mom screwers, and poo eaters drove these perverts into the arms of more bestiality-, incest-, scat-friendly advice professionals, such as Dr. Laura and Miss Manners.
OK, FONY, here’s the deal: I’m not sure your letter is genuine, but if it is, here’s my advice: break up with Dave and have Killer put down. Any guy who prefers your dog to your pussy isn’t worth your time, and any dog that gets between his mistress and her boyfriend isn’t worth the heartache.
I know your newspaper column is for questions, but this is a special favor I am going to ask. I live in Pennsylvania and I have a boyfriend, also from Pennsylvania. He works in New York City three days during the week. He loves reading your column. I hope you are understanding this letter. English is not my first language. Well, here is the favor. I would appreciate if you would print the following poem dedicated to my boyfriend:
I miss telling you everything
With you right now
