I am a 24-year-old woman dating a 39-year-old former porn actor. At first I was willing to believe he did porn to “support his art,” but now it seems that if he’s an artist at all it’s the pick-up variety. He constantly tells me he’s a sexual athlete who needs to have group sex. I am bisexual, but my last relationship broke up after a menage, so I’m reluctant to go that route again. Real life is not like porn, i.e., there are consequences to sex, emotional and otherwise.
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Also he won’t wear a condom, but we’ve both been tested for all STDs. I am attracted to women, but I’m afraid if we get involved with someone else she’ll take him away from me. I don’t want to lose this guy! Should I stop lending him money? I rarely had sex in my last relationship, so maybe I’m placing too much importance on sex now. How can I get assertive without losing him? Am I a sucker?
You are a total sucker. You’re such a sucker that people in New York City can hear the slurping. You couldn’t be a bigger sucker if there was a white stick in your ass and your head came wrapped in cellophane. He takes your money, tells you he wants “fresh pussy,” and won’t wear a condom? That makes him an asshole and makes you a fool-flavored, all-day, capital S, capital U, capital C, capital K, capital E, capital R SUCKER.
–Female Skater Dater
But problematic hang-ups can be overcome, and most are overcome at the insistence of an annoyed partner. So what to do? Insist. Confront your boyfriend about how absurd this hang-up is, point out the hypocrisy of this doing-everything-but for “religious reasons,” tell him it annoys the fuck out of you, and then call his bluff. From now on you’re an all-or-nothin’ gal. Either you’re having sex–both of you, with orgasms and everything–or you’re not. If he’s not ready, willing, and able to come, then he shouldn’t initiate anything.
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.
