How do you tell a guy you really love that he’s trying too hard in bed? My boyfriend and I have been together for just under a year. He was a virgin before we got together, and I wasn’t. Without exaggeration, he is the best sex I’ve ever had. Initially I enjoyed our forays into phone sex, sex toys, food, and the Kama Sutra, but it’s getting to the point where he begins every session by saying “I’m going to get you off ten times tonight” and won’t leave me alone until he has. He’s putting so much pressure on himself to perform like a porn star that he’s not having any fun, and it’s getting to be a lot of work for me as well (pretending that the sex blows my mind every time is a lot of work). Sex isn’t always mind-blowing! Sometimes it’s just comfortable and cozy, and I’m OK with that. But how do I explain to him that he’s taking the fun out of sex without making him more insecure than he already is?
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Sit your boyfriend down and say, “Honey, we’ve got a problem. You’re the best sex I’ve ever had–really!–but I have some constructive criticism for you.” Inoculate him against an insecurity meltdown with a little white lie: “I’m sure you’re secure enough to hear me out without freaking out or worrying that I’m not diggin’ your fine ass or loving the things you do for me. I am and I do.”
I recently saddled up a new girlfriend, and I’m taking great pleasure in exploring her sexually–except in one respect. Upon my first foray between her legs, I encountered an odor so pungent that I almost deposited my dinner in her crotch. Since then I have avoided venturing back to her nether region for fear that I might blow chunks and give her a serious case of vaginal insecurity. She’s becoming impatient with my reluctance to perform oral sex, and I’m afraid to let her in on her stinky little secret. What should I do? –Nauseated
–Confused and Concerned
Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.
