Recently, one of my friends was giving a girl a friendly back rub when she took off her top and bra and let him continue. Then she informed him that she didn’t want to have sex with him. He told her he was going to go hang out with the guys. When he told us this story we were all in agreement that something is definitely wrong with that chick. I have found myself in similar situations with other women, as had some of the other guys, and what we want to say to women out there is this: “Why the hell would you let us fondle your bodies if you don’t want to have sex?!”
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I can only assume you live in a coed dorm at some godforsaken liberal arts college, SATOBU, as that’s about the only environment I’m aware of in which men offer “friendly” back rubs to women they aren’t involved with sexually. When you’re older and more experienced, you guys are going to look back on those back rubs with acute and appropriate embarrassment. Real men only give back rubs to people they’re already fucking; only desperately hard-up college boys give “friendly” back rubs to girls they hope to fuck. No doubt when you and your friends say, “Hey, you look stressed-out–would you like a back rub?” to college girls, you’re hoping that the “friendly” back rub will lead to some friendly sex, right? Well, guess what? They rarely do, as you and your friends are discovering.
- How can you avoid these situations? By not offering back rubs to women you aren’t already sleeping with.
Recently, I went to a concert. A guy in the crowd and I hit it off, and there was a fair amount of groping. At the end of the night, the guy asked for my phone number. This was on a Wednesday. On Friday, I came home from work and there was a message from the guy. He told me that it had been a pleasure to meet me, and said he wanted to get together. He said he would try to catch me later and then added that his cell phone battery was dying and gave me a talk to you later. Now it’s Tuesday night, and nuthin’. Why the heck did he make that phone call in the first place if he wasn’t gonna call back? What sense does it make for a guy to call, leave a message, and not leave a number where he can be reached?
Republicans are welcome to read my column, as are Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, and Natural Law and Communist Party members. The Nader voters, however, who put George W. Bush in the White House (with help from butterfly ballots, undercounts, and Republican Rent-a-Riot Inc.) are forbidden to read my column until they make amends. I’m not sure if Greens can ever make amends to the country as a whole, but they can make amends to me personally by burning their voter-registration cards. Really, haven’t you people done enough damage already?
