I’ve been having the best time sending sleazy E-mails to a man I met through the personals. He lives three time zones away. He recently requested that I send him a pair of my well-worn panties. I said no, because I couldn’t stand the thought of him sniffing my dirty, crusty, skanky underwear. Well, I’m thinking about changing my mind. I know he would enjoy them, even though I think they’re gross. I want them to smell as much like me as possible, and not like my stale dirty laundry. I am hoping you know, or have the connections to find out, the answers to these questions:
–Mail Order Slut
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Depending on what the customer wants, Van sells his undies either laundered or funky. Not all customers want his funky undies, Van explained to me, some just want his old, worn undies. Since your E-lover does want your undies funky, I asked Van to walk us through his undie-funkifying routine. “To fill underwear with your scent,” said Van, “rinse out 100 percent cotton undies really well in hot water to get rid of the soapy smell. Always use 100 percent cotton, as cotton absorbs lots of odor. Wear your underwear for a day. Working out in them is best, and when you’re done, wipe down your entire body with your underwear.”
Recently I was on a cross-dressing chat room discussing ways to conceal the male package. Someone came on and claimed that he could push his penis and testicles into his abdomen, totally concealing them. Knowing how much BS is slung around chat rooms, I doubted this was possible. Is it possible to insert the male genitalia into the body? If so, how is it done?
“Most of the ladies-in-waiting who visit us at our Manhattan campus are content to tuck their penises into the various gaffs we have available here at Miss Vera’s Finishing School,” said Vera. Gaffs are tight undies that smush and conceal men’s private parts. “The most popular models are tight satiny panties that resemble slingshots,” said Vera. “With these slingshots we bring down many a Goliath.”
“I may be a Bush supporter,” said Andrew Sullivan, noted gay conservative and author of Virtually Normal, the gay Republican bible, “but that doesn’t mean I’m against anything consenting adults want to do in private.” On park sex, pig rooms, drugs, and open relationships, Sullivan is a confirmed libertarian. “In my experience,” Sullivan added, “Republicans are far kinkier than Democrats. It’s all that repression. If your reader wants a dull, asexual, unkinky, flabby domestic partner, he should hang out among professional Democrats.”
