Hey, Faggot:

It’s understandable girlfriends find your desire for anal penetration odd. Straight boys who wanna take it up the butt are odd, in the sense that they’re unusual, so you are odd. Finding herself in bed with a man who wants to be fucked is a unique experience for most straight women–and not all women are thrilled by it. If you’re unwilling to go the personals route, I suggest you brace yourself for a lifetime of shocked reactions, tight-lipped refusals, and the occasional makes-it-all-worthwhile enthusiastic assent. But if you can learn to love the personals, they’re a good way to meet like-minded pervs.

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Don’t take my word for it. Carol Queen, San Francisco-based sex guru and all-around swell gal, recently released a video on just this subject. Bend Over Boyfriend stars Carol and her oft-bent boyfriend, Robert, and together they guide breeder couples through the joys and triumphs of girl-on-boy butt fucking. To avoid the awkwardness of revealing perverse desires to a new partner, Carol suggests you advertise. “Personal ads will help him weed out the ‘ewwwww!’ types right away.”

Bend Over Boyfriend is available from Good Vibrations for $34.95 plus shipping and handling. Call 800-BUY-VIBE to order yourself a copy. Do I even need to mention that Bend Over Boyfriend makes a thoughtful holiday gift?

If you’ve tried all that and none of it has worked, I can only conclude that something is very seriously wrong, something that can’t be solved or salved in this format. Or ever, really.

I was making out with my boyfriend–he’s a violent kisser–and he was pulling on my tongue. That little membrane that connects the tongue to the bottom of the mouth snapped! It started to bleed all over the place, and it’s pretty painful. My tongue is currently detached! I live with my parents, and they’re in charge of all my medical business, as I’m a minor, and it would be somewhat humiliating for me if I presented them with my little problem. So I guess my question is, should I see a doctor, and have you ever heard of this before? –Speechless