Venus and Mars are Bored Tonight
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Gray has made a fortune playing up the differences between the sexes and passing himself off as a relationship expert. Now 45, he was a monk for nine years in the 1970s with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees in “creative intelligence” from Maharishi European Research University. After that he studied est and earned a correspondence-school PhD in psychology from Columbia Pacific University. In the 1980s he was briefly married to best-selling infomercial relationship-advice guru DeAngelis, with whom he led relationship seminars. (Indeed, his five stages of dating–attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, engagement–sound suspiciously like her four stages of commitment.) He went solo when they broke up and found his niche after Men Are From Mars came out in 1992. Since then, he has written five more books, made 12 videotapes, sponsored 30 weekend seminars a year, and has opened 22 counseling centers. He’s also started a magazine and performed on Broadway, and he’ll launch a Mars/Venus-themed TV show and movie in the next 12 months. There is even a new CD out called Mars & Venus: A Musical Portrait of Men and Women that includes “Mars, the Bringer of War” and “Venus, the Bringer of Peace” from Gustav Holst’s The Planets.
The cover of my copy of Men Are From Mars is dented from the time I flung it against the wall after discovering that every relationship problem I’d ever had was my own fault for being disapproving when I should have been validating. At least that’s the conclusion I reached after skimming through some of the book’s minichapters: “Men Don’t Want to Be Improved,” “How Women Unknowingly Start Arguments,” “How Women Pressure Men to Talk,” “What a Man Needs,” “The Secret Reasons Women Argue,” “What Makes Men Defensive,” “How to Communicate Support to a Martian,” and, of course, “Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk.” But since I plan to go through at least one short-term relationship in the coming year, I reluctantly decided to attend a workshop based on Gray’s latest book, Mars and Venus on a Date, which offers such groundbreaking observations as “A man is actually much more motivated to say yes to a woman’s requests when she asks him for support with an attitude that is free of strings, expectations, and obligations” and “Neither men nor women should withhold their affections and responsiveness to each other, as long as they are appropriate to the stage of dating.” Other pronouncements provoke a more visceral, stomach-turning reaction, such as “On Venus, second to a wedding ceremony, the proposal is the most cherished memory of a lifetime,” “The more successful a woman is, the less inviting to a man she may become,” and “Men love a woman with a smile.”
Next on our agenda was a video of Gray leading a workshop. He had a helium-tinged voice and the high forehead, sweeping arm movements, and too-short sleeves of a televangelist. He advised his enthusiastic audience to lower their standards and revealed that sex changes a relationship. He suggested that Venusians shouldn’t dress to attract Martians (it often leads to meeting unfavorable Martians) and explained that “these concepts are necessary if we want our dreams to come true.” It ended to applause and another workshop pitch.
After another pitch for Gray’s workshop (couples who registered now would receive a free video), four couples were selected to play a sort of Dating Game in which the Martian told what he knew about his “date.” Breath mints were passed out and questions asked about the Venusians’ earrings, occupation, and hair and eye color. Jimmy Z. and Lynn read off the names of several video winners, most of whom did not claim their prizes. After one last pitch for a half-priced workshop it was over. “Why don’t you just pay for it and we’ll both go?” suggested a woman to her partner. She must have been breaking one of Gray’s rules, because he flat out said no.
